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Don Monkerud ~ STWR Member

Senior columnist for WhatTheyThink.com

Bush Announces Iraq Veterans Retirement Program

Washington, DC - President Bush, along with Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, unveiled a new retirement plan for Iraq veterans who will be released from duty sometime within the next 20 years. The program-the Veterans Homeless Shelter Benefit Plan-will open every homeless shelter in the U.S. to veterans of the Iraq occupation.

"This may not be the army you want but it's the army you got: veterans have to sleep where they fall," said Rumsfeld. "I'm awful old and it's past my bedtime but our troops knew what they were signing up for. They'll be thankful for a place to sleep when they return home."

After making the announcement to a group of Christian radio and TV stations, the Bush/Rumsfeld duo, recently dubbed the "Bad News Bears," performed a short comedy routine, poking fun at soldiers afraid to travel in unarmored convoys in Iraq. The audience of military contractors from Halliburton and retired generals and admirals who work in private industry cheered them on.

"If I had volunteered to be a soldier instead of staying home like I did during the Vietnam War, I'd ask the secretary of defense when I could retire," Bush said, after singing and dancing for the assembled crowd. "You wouldn't want to get blowed up, because that might hurt so we are giving soldiers something to look forward to when they are released. Now watch my two-step."

According to Pentagon representative Don Jawbone, the homeless shelter program is part of a broader plan to make soldiers pay their own way. Jawbone cited, as an example, troops who have lost arms and legs in Iraq who are required to pay their own transportation cost from the battlefield to the hospital. Some are even billed for medical treatment. Because they may never be able to pay these bills, their retirement opportunities appear bleak. With few alternatives available, they are signing up for additional tours of duty in Iraq.

As an incentive for continuing their service, Rumsfeld is providing a discount for soldiers to buy their own Lincoln Navigator or Ford Expedition so they can patrol the streets of Baghdad "in style." The Pentagon is considering a NASCAR model, The Hillbilly Wagon, customized with white crosses and confederate flags. Financing will be provided by shifting Social Security funds to a new agency headed by former Enron CEO, Ken Lay.

"These baby's come complete with tinted glass, CD players and air-conditioning," Jawbone said. "We are stretched a little thin just now because of tax cuts for our rich friends, so we are seeking donations from Support Our Troops groups, the American Rifle Association and Anti-tax organizations."

Faced with sleeping in homeless shelters when they retire, many veterans are opting to re-enlist, but this doesn't work for everyone. Some soldiers have had their duties extended long past their retirement age. "I'll be 83 next week and I'm just too old to keep slogging through sand," said Bob Beergut, clerk first class.

The Pentagon acknowledges retirement problems for soldiers, but Rumsfeld said changes have been made and now everything is perfect. Critics wonder. With 300,000 homeless veterans already crowding available homeless shelters, veteran's organizations worry about finding additional room for Iraq veterans. Mental illness is a major issue because soldiers are suffering from severe depression after hearing Rumsfeld's announcement.

"There are some things that we don't know and some things that are not known," Rumsfeld said, while explaining his latest plan for winning the war in Iraq. "For the things known, they are known sometimes but not known other times, so we just don't know about the unknown knowns or the known unknowns."

With President Bush asking for another $100 billion in tax cuts, $200 billion more for the occupation of Iraq and $3 trillion to begin phasing out Social Security, there's little money left over for any domestic programs, including veterans' retirement. One suggested alternative involves permanent deployment of troops who would sleep on the sand inside the new $40 billion U.S. Embassy/Private Business complex in Baghdad.

White House budget spokesman Scotty Whitewash told reporters that the longer soldiers remain in Iraq, the fewer of them the government will have to support. "The longer we wait, the better," said Whitewash. "In America there's always someone with their hand out and now that Americans are safer by electing President Bush, we can open a few homeless shelters and relax. Republicans have a majority in Congress, which gives us four more years before we have to worry about anything except new tax breaks."

Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz weighed in on the issue by suggesting that Iraq oil revenues be used to pay for the retirement of U.S. veterans. "Iraq can finance its own destruction," Wolfowitz said. "Why should the American taxpayer have to foot the bill for saving their country for capitalism?"

Copyright 2004

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